Independence

Pride in our ability to care  do for our selves seems almost innate in Americans. I am fortunate to be at a point where I am watching my children gain independence. The less fortunate side of me is watching my parents lose theirs and the struggle they face in accepting.

The cycle of human existence is one of progression from dependence to independence followed by some regression back to a certain level of dependence for most of us. We are lucky to have that time of independence. We cling to it. Certain gifts are hard to let go of.

When we can't let go, we cling. Buddha warned against the dangers of attachment. What gives us our sense of self can not be tied to abilities, possessions, etc. We are who we are by our existence. That is the gift of humanity, sentience. As long as I have "I", I have it all.

Accepting the conditions of my "I" is grace.

Fatherhood

After some delay, it is about time to get to the root of this blog. It is from the perspective of a father. My children know that and so it is a dicey proposition to lay out anything about my experience as the balcony is ready to shout, "Bullshit!"

I am not a perfect father. At times I can take on the role of asshole with the glow of a 1 karat diamond. Other times, I can be as far away as Everest, when I need to be closer. So, I won't claim anything beyond the following.

My role is to believe in the ability of my children and never stop. To support them when they feel doubt. I think that is the key to all parenting, you know at times your children will be wrong, will falter, will make mistakes. Your job, as a parent, is to never give up and believe in your children and their immense potential.

Need vs want

I have talked many times with people who are more extroverted in the Myers-Briggs domains.

One observation not meant to be declare positive or negative is the following. The extrovert needs relationships and interaction. The introvert needs alone time. The extrovert may occasionally want alone time. The introvert may occasionally want social time.

The difference in the two understanding each other is the want versus need. We all have needs. We view them as essential to live. Hence, Maslow's Hierachy of Needs. Wants are things we desire and can currently exist without. Needs are vital to our existence. So one needs people and the other has needs to be alone. The other has wants for alone time and the other had wants for social interaction.


In relationships the difference is akin to the fish needing water and the human needing air. They can work together to achieve each other's goals. It will require tremendous understanding.

Awe

Tonight, I went to let to the dogs outside to relieve themselves. As always, my first gaze upon opening the door is skyward.

The view of the sky is always awe inspiring. Tonight the sky was a beautiful contrast of spots of clouds interspersed with open sky.

Similarly, I watched the final episode of Master Cher, where one of the competitors was a blind chef. She referenced how she viewed cooking and delivered dishes that honored her traditions. Everyone has been awed by her performance.

The key is that we have to be open to experience awe. To experience the old as new. To be awed, we must be open to reframing the past.

My back pages

I was so much older then I am younger than that now - Bob Dylan

Is this merely Dylan being cryptic or is there a message in the song My Back Pages for us all?

Older then, for me, refers to a false belief that I really knew good from bad, right from wrong with certainty. Younger now, refers to the fact as I age I am more open to other views and the fact there are many differing opinions of right and wrong, simply based on my point of view.

Fundamentally, we only know what we know. We don't know what we don't. Therefore, in the parlance of by Buddhist friends, we should try to adopt a "not knowing" view of the world. To listen and experience completely with all our presence and attention, we must disregard all we know in order to be open to enlightment. So it is not what you know that influences your view, it is what you are capable of "not knowing".

Readiness

Watched a marathon of Teen Mom on MTV. Regardless of why teen pregnancy happens, the common theme post delivery for all the failed relationships is one of readiness. Everyone believes they are ready for the choice they make. Many are not. In judging the situation, our bias is based towards the current state. Well, we are all getting along just fine, so when we add this new child we will be just fine. Well, as every investment portfolio state, past performance can not predict future results. Life is not about the present, it is about our ability to self-assess more than the future or anything else. What I could to now or next week matters far less than what we can accept now and sustain in the future. All of us can handle change for a week. What about handling a disruption entering our life next week and being present for an unknown time? That is what readiness is about. What we are prepared for and can sustain. The odds are for things that surprise us, we can not sustain.

Catching up

So the daily writing by the wayside. Two weeks of political conventions just left me overwhelmed at all the magnificence of country. I wish. The political scene in the US is about beautiful and sophisticated as the feeling you get stepping in dog shit. Been thinking about better things. Children maturing and returning home with new experiences. Also, still returning home and appreciating the old ones. It is real challenge to not fall in love with the "new" and still care for "old" relationships in our lives. No doubt the divorce rate reflects this difficulty. New relationships are very much like "falling in love" versus loving. Falling in love is very much about the newness of the experience of another. Loving is caring for another after all the new is gone and is replaced by a deep commitment. Both are good experiences and should be a progression to the best relationships in our lives. The other relationships where it does not happen, are hard on all of us. Disappointment, anger, or sorrow await the transition from "in" to "out" of love. While these negative emotions may seem justified at the person we fall out of love with, it seems a little wrong to feel that way towards the other person. They did not change. Our perception of him/her did as the experience went from new to old.

Love Actually

This movie was on today, Love Actually. A great Christmas movie about love, human beings, and the stupid things we do under the influence of love. We make mistakes, hurt others simply trying to get their attention, lose ourselves in pride, and countless other things, all while missing out on the love we desire so much. The best scene is when a son is talking to his dad about taking a great risk and telling the girl he is in love with his feelings for her. His dad asks if he is ready and he replies, "Okay, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love." That attitude says it all. We have to be open and vulnerable to love. We have to be willing to lose. Open to risk and ready for a sucker punch to the gut. We all at times may feel lacking for love in life. Lots of reasons for that depending on the circumstances. Be prepared to consider the possibility that fear of vulnerability is actually closing you off from others.

Feedback

Had to give someone feedback today. Feedback must be delivered carefully whether at home, work, or any other place. The key is to make sure feedback is given in a manner not seen as criticism. Key phrases such as "what I saw" or "what I heard". This lets the person receiving the feedback take in a manner separate from what they intended. Avoid saying, "what you did" or "when you did". These phrases put you in the place of interpreting the intent of another. Of course, hopefully receiving the feedback will then let them ask the why. Then you can get into the possible misperceptions created by certain aspects of his/her performance. We all need feedback and delivered with care it will be appreciated and lead to improvement.

Pride

A dangerous thing is pride. Saw it in action today. Pride in past accomplishments led some to be blind to new opportunity to improve for the future.

We should acknowledge and endorse past achievements. History should inform our decisions. Pride about past achievements should not prevent us from being willing to change. It is very likely that what created historical achievements generating our pride was a willingness to disrupt the status quo.

Roles

We all have varying roles to play in this life. Leading or following are often the choices, and to be a good leader at times you have to be a good follower. I don't know how often we talk about the importance of followership. We should. Without followers, leaders won't accomplish much. Still the emphasis following receives is not enough given its importance.

I see leadership over emphasized in such a paralyzing way. We can't all be leaders all the time. It would be like every religion asking for each member to be a saint. The examples of saints are important. They are not representations of what everyone can achieve. If they were, then I suspect we would recognize them as such.

Take time to follow and enjoy the success of others. Let them experience leadership. In this crazy bipolar nation, being the one to step back and make sure things are getting done is important. Congress is a great example of a group of leaders who can accomplish nothing. If they consider practicing followership, as opposed to leadership, well something might get done. Of course for that to happen we would need another thing called, teamship.

Poltiics

It is  getting thick with jargon around here phone calls from DC for both Obama, and Romney.

It is kind of sad that has degenerated from a term about discourse and debate, to a term meaning you have to avoid about an issue as one side or another may take offense. Hence, it is best to avoid talking due to politics. Else, it might mean a simple idea will take longer to get in action or never happen due to "politics".

The remedy probably lies somewhere beyond political races centered on winning towards races centered on ideas and mental models built to solve problems.

Help

Help. Saw someone reach out for it today and it was beautiful.

Pride directs many of us, including me, to say, "No thanks".

Big mistake. If you need help, ask, and to those who respond say, "Thank you".

We are better together, and teams are the sole vehicle to overcome the limits of individual human potential.

Rhythm

How much of what you did today was for yourself, for others, for no other reason than you had to?

We all live life as jugglers. Keeping those balls in the air with appropriate rhythm of toss/catch. Like any juggler, we will have to stop or have a time when we drop one of the balls. The rhythm gets out of sequence, and then we have to restore it.

What establishes the rhythm? The beat, pace, time are all expressions of rhythm. If we are constantly juggling how do we handle things so we can find that critical rhythm in balancing life with work or school?

A great teacher advised me this on the juggling metaphor from Brian Dyson CEO of Coca Cola, that can applied to balancing life with work or school:

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the Air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. 

But the other four Balls - Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.”

 

Leadership

Watched some Gordon  Ramsey tonight. Almost every failing restaurant and hotel he deals with is a failure of leadership.

Leadership failures manifested in one of two directions. Scenario one is the leader not being sufficiently engaged. In this case, the leader is distant and fails to provide the direction and course for the rest of the staff. Scenario two is the leader micromanaging and getting too involved in every aspect of the business. Similarly, the leader fails to lead as she/he can not step back and set the vision for big picture.

This is true in many other instances, as well. So if you feel a lack of direction, step back. Are you failing to lead, if so are you too bogged down in the details or too distant. If you are not the leader, how can help the person who is leading identify where her/his leadership is going wrong.

There can be other failures of leadership, these two are always a good start to eliminate as a cause.

Making meaning

After the post about suffering, I see a need to clarify one thing. Seeking out suffering is not a means to foster creativity. The character of suffering, loss, disappointment or any negative experience fostering creativity is not the experience itself. It is our ability to make meaning from it. Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning describes this theme nicely. The movie, Life Is Beautiful, captures it on screen.

The greater opportunity is for us to make the things that offer us joy, reward, and happiness have meaning to share with others. This transforms these happy activities from potential selfishness and self-indulgence to sharing and giving.

Suffering

Listened to Scott Simon interview the French graphic novelist, Marjane Satrapi, this morning on NPR. He questioned her about the role of suffering or unhappiness in the creative process. To paraphrase her, "Without some suffering I could not be creative. If we were happy all the time we would be sitting around eating, sleeping and lick ourselves. We'd be cats." She was clear to caution she did not wish anyone suffering and too much also would devastate the creative process.

I understand and agree with this. Indeed, probably the main reason I have the energy to create this blog, is being miserable from not being able to run and missing a child who has moved onto college.

Now the challenge is to reframe these changes from suffering to an opportunity for change. Change and some growth is the best we can hope for from these difficult times. The ability to adapt to circumstances and create is a pretty powerful expression of humanity. Failure to move forward and free from suffering, when one has the opportunity and ability, diminishes us and limits how we can be experienced by others.

Purr, kitty, purr.

Advice

Heaven help me I wrote some advice today. Always a perilous exercise.

The problem with advice is you are telling someone what to do and it is usually based on how you would handle the situation. While any one of us may have faced the same situation another is facing, none of us can fully understand the context for that person. We all give and are constantly tempted to give advice on any number of occasions. Certainly, when asked it is ok to offer what you know.

As a father, husband, friend, etc. I find my best course of action is to give big disclaimer along the line of " I am not you and have not been through all you have in the past, so in telling you how I would handle this, I am about as useful a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. All apologies to one-legged men, they are inherently more useful than me on this occasion." If that does not dissuade the advice seeker, then try to draw out the response the advice seeker is looking for, "This is a difficult situation, I can't imagine how you would handle. How do you imagine yourself handling it?" Another tack is simply to offer up how you have made mistakes in the past, ala, "I can't say I know how to address this, I only know the one time I faced a similar situation, I handled it poorly." Nothing like an admission of incompetence to thwart the energy of the advice seeker.

So there you go, advice on how not to give advice. Sheesh.

Post 2, I have actually written letters, as well. Maybe I can be that guy. Time will tell.

Missing someone seems a rather selfish activity. It is why I struggle bother to remind someone they are missed. If I tell you I will miss you, trust me that is a promise will keep. I know my wife has noticed other spouses constantly calling, texting loved ones while away.

Rationale, first as stated above I have told you "you will be missed". I don't lie with that phrase. Second, if I said I am thinking about you then I will be. Promises made, promises kept. Third, if you are away you must be doing something and I don't understand how multiple messages, texts, etc. do anything other than distract from the task at hand. I can see how it might feel like doting and caring to some. To me it feels like nagging.

So all this means, don't treat me this away. How I like to be treated does not give me the right to assume everyone is just like me. Respect is treating others how they want to be treated.  So, I make sure I get the daily call into my wife. I am writing a blog and letters to my child at college.

Besides as I wrote in today's letter, missing someone is easily tempered by the excitement and opportunity to see new growth in loved ones upon their return. Accepting that helps me understand it is not nagging or doting, it is encouragement, love and support. We all need that.

All I forgot say put in writing

A day ago, my oldest went away to college. I am very proud and honored to be the father of two great children. I loved the book Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern.

I am not that guy.  


I speak far less, and the most in depth conversations are not philosophical and more about the merits of my giving permission for a certain activity. My wife is the more philosophical and addresses the life questions. She is the patient one for the topics of love, sex, anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. Yes/no is my forte, she is the one who can speculate. Given a why question I don't know the answer for, I will reply, "I don't know." End of conversation.

I know of mothers and fathers who contact their children regularly throughout college and after they move away to stay in touch. That is not me, either. If I started, I think both my children would wonder what the hell is wrong with you, and my wife would think I was having mid-life issues.

So, I put this up to write the shit I couldn't say and thought it worthy of writing about.

Why do I not try to stay in touch with family and friends? I love and care for them. I don't worry about their condition. If you ask me how I think anyone is doing, I believe she/he is fine and happy. It is not that I don't care. I believe if you aren't asking for help, you are doing well. Flawed approach? No doubt. Whenever someone chooses to suffer silently, I am absolutely unhelpful.

Call me the silent optimist.